Friday, August 6, 2010

My first sentence

I found this post from patricia stoltey killer-first-sentences about how the first sentence can draw readers in or repel them forever.
I think mine needs help..I know mine needs attention.

The day begins lazily as I sit quietly in my warm, sunny window seat, watching the trees sway in the warm April breeze.

From here, the story heats up, but not sure, maybe I could just get rid of the whole sentence altogether...

Help?!

Editing in first paragraph...maybe it will make more sense with the rest..

The day begins lazily as I sit quietly in my warm, sunny window seat, watching the trees sway in the

warm April breeze. My legs luxuriously stretch out on the dark blue, velvety padding. My silky night

shirt clings to my body. Taking in the scenery of the neighborhood so alive outside, my eyes wander,

as usual, down to the driveway of the new neighbor. The sight of him causes my breath to catch and

my pulse quickens slightly.

The flash of the sun glinting off the just waxed hood of my neighbor’s obvious pride and joy, a black

Charger, almost blinds me. I blink several times and upon recovering my wits, find my eyes on a pair

of rock hard calves, following them up to a perfectly chiseled ass in a low cut pair of red gym shorts.

His overworked abs flex and pull as he reaches over the hood to grab a towel.



Please be kind :)

4 comments:

ladybrayton71 said...

Tell me the "heat up" part and maybe I can give you some input.

Hart Johnson said...

I think it would be better if you THOUGHT it began lazily, then dived into the heat.

"The day that seemed to begin lazily..."
"Though it had started lazily enough,..."

I also am not thrilled with much description from a '1st person present tense'--it is a PoV that requires high action or deep thought, not so much observation. But that might be me. I know I am biased there.

Sara McClung ♥ said...

Not a bad first sentence--but lady kill those adverbs ;-) And cut one of the warms!

In fact, what if you chop and start with: I sit in my warm window seat, watching the trees sway in the April breeze.

Sugar said...

Thx girls!
Yanno..I never even noticed I had two "warms" in it! gah..Guess that's what you guys are for :)