Friday, August 20, 2010

workplace dominance fun

Thanks to Allie Brosh @ the I got this from my sister :)

In the modern workplace, everyone wants to stand out as a leader. Everyone wants to be respected and admired by their coworkers. This is normally achieved through hard work, dedication and good interpersonal skills, but I’m going to give you a few shortcuts based on ancient, unquestionable principles of dominance.

1. Use your appearance to stand out as much as possible.

Have you ever seen a peacock that is wildly successful but also brown and unimpressive-looking? No. You haven’t. Unfortunately, brightly colored clothing is pretty commonly available to humans, so you’re going to need to go one step further if you want to be noticed.

Demonstrate your superiority by wrapping your body in colorful, flashing lights and display your mastery of fire by carrying sparklers with you to important meetings.

2. Unwavering eye contact sends a clear signal

Eye contact can be used in a number of ways to assert your dominance. For example, if you make eye contact with a coworker, you must not look away first as that is a sign of submission. Hold their gaze for as long as necessary to make them submit to you.

3. Total lack of eye contact also sends a clear signal

If you cross paths with a subordinate human, you must make every effort not to acknowledge them because they are beneath you. Ignore them and they will know their place.

4. Surprise your rivals with symbolic displays of authority

In the wild, animals often display their dominance by mounting. But in this day of sexual harassment lawsuits, it is best to avoid such a display, no matter how effective it is. Luckily, there are other physical displays of dominance at your disposal. For example, wolves often firmly place a paw on the shoulders of another pack member to show their superiority. You may use this gesture as much as you like to sneak up the workplace hierarchy.

5. Monopolize important resources and use them as bargaining tools

If you control the resources, you have the power.

6. Claim new territory with scent

The size of your territory is directly related to your level of dominance. To acquire new territory as your own, it is important to use a scent marking to alert others that you have staked your claim. Liberally apply your perfume, cologne or favorite Febreze scent to others’ things to show them that the things now belong to you.

So go forth, brave leader. Don’t take “no” or “what the hell do you think you’re doing?” for an answer. You’ve worked hard for this and it’s about time you claimed your rightful position in the workplace hierarchy.

Happy Friday!

1 comment:

Hart Johnson said...

I loved this. Allie is fabulous.